I baked today.

And cooked!

Shocking, considering me lately.

I made Cinnamon Bread from the latest Fine Cooking magazine (Feb/Mar2012). Technically, it’s supposed to have raisins in it, but screw that noise! No raisins for me!

The recipe had a footnote recipe:

Butter!!

So, I made my own butter today!

Warm cinnamon bread with homemade butter?

Heaven!

***

For dinner, I modified the Thai-Style Pineapple Fried Rice with Shrimp and Cashews from the same magazine.

I halved it, then added mushrooms. And used a chicken breast instead of shrimp (shrimp were expensive and I have chicken to use).

It was good. Salty though, so I might use less soy next time. I can see me making it again, though.

Yum!

***

I have ALSO been tracking my food for the last few days. Amazing.

Hopefully I can lose some weight.

And keep it off.

I’m trying again.

Tracking my food, that is.

I’m even considering rejoining the gym

Scary thought, I know.

I enjoy being at the gym and definitely afterward. It’s just getting in the front door that’s the problem.

*sigh*

I’m tired of being fat.

My other whining.

It’s the same, really, as whining from before.

I’m lonely.

I’m horny.

I feel like men don’t see me, ever.

The new part is that my vibrator broke. lol

So, I’ll have to go out an buy a new one of those. It seems pretty important lately.

It’s weird, I can go for weeks without thinking about sex. And then it’s like nothing else matters anymore!

The last week or so I’ve been choosing things to watch based on how hot (and how naked) the men are in it.

So, I’ve seen: Blade Trinity, Wolverine, and I’m now watching True Blood. (Right now, Eric is naked in Bill’s huge bathtub, it’s quite lovely.)

Seriously, I need to get some. This is ridiculous!

I don’t know how to find a guy. Even if I were to find one, I’m not sure how to get one interested in me.

I was trying to fill out my profile on a dating website and it asked what people first notice about me. My first instinct was to put “how fat I am”. Or “nothing, because people don’t see me”.

What do people see when they look at me?

I don’t know.

Do they even see me?

I don’t know that either.

I’m 35 and alone. I’ve always been alone my whole life. It sucks.

I don’t want to be alone anymore.

And not just because of sex. I’d like companionship, snuggles, someone to talk to. All sorts of stuff like that.

What did I do to deserve being left alone like this? Why don’t I get someone? Why do other people get someone and not me?

It’s official. I’m invisible.

So, I post on a website on a semi-regular basis.

There’s a group of girls that post. Sometimes I add posts to the thread.

Every time, I am completely ignored. It’s like my post never occurred.

I give up.

Why bother posting there for absolutely no acknowledgement? It’s frustrating. I don’t know why nobody replies to me, or comments on anything I’ve said, or even acknowledge that I exist at all.

I just don’t understand.

I don’t expect a lot. I don’t expect a reply every time. But some acknowledgement sometime would be nice!

Anyway, that’s my whine about that.

I have others, but I think I’ll start a new post for that whining. It’s similar, but not the same.

Whining. Again.

Alright, so I’m posting.

About being lonely. Again.

I seem to post about that frequently. And never do anything about it.

I have a goal for this year. I’d like to think it’s doable.

I want to get laid. At least once.

Is that really too much to ask?

The problem is my self-esteem.

It’s in the toilet. It has rarely emerged from there.

I see myself as fat (which I am) and mediocre-looking, at best.

I’m intelligent and can be funny (on occasion); I also have some conversational and culinary skills.

I guess my other issue is that I never seem to meet anyone new.

Blargh.

Where oh where did my sexy go?

Oh yeah.

Not sure I ever had one.

So, I guess I need one.

Where does one find one?

I don’t know. This is the problem.

Sometimes I feel sexy…

And then I look in the mirror.

I have sex on the brain.

Seriously.

This is ridiculous.

It’s been years, literally. Sad, but true.

I feel like I will never get any again.

Ever.

This is probably insecurity and low self-esteem talking, but that’s how it really feels right now.

Sometimes I just wonder what is wrong with me.

I feel invisible to most people.

I get told that I’m funny and smart by women that know me. I sometimes even get pretty. Again, by women.

But with men… Nothing.

Great big goose egg.

It’s like I don’t even exist.

I have guy friends. They all became friends through other (female) friends. Or through work (and those I don’t see outside of work).

I know I’m fat. But other larger women have boyfriends, husbands, lovers even!

I was talking to JC and SB yesterday, saying that I feel like I’d jump anyone who offered, these days.

But I get no offers. No contact. No notice at all.

Fat can’t be the only thing you see when you look at me, can it?

There’s got to be something else there!

Doesn’t there?

***

On a completely different note…

It’s my birthday in a week.

I turn 35.

Scary thought. I feel like I’m getting old but not getting anywhere.

Really, I need a new job before I go postal and kill someone.

That means, of course, that I have to actually look and apply.

Problem is that I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know what I’m good at.

I’m really just lazy. I’m good at that.

Also, I’m good at whining and feeling sorry for myself, it seems.

I’m not sure that this post is good for much.

Other than whining, anyway.

***

Anyway, bedtime for me. Work in the morning.

I am sick.

I’ve been coughing since Thursday night.

It kept getting worse over the weekend and got really bad Sunday night and all day yesterday.

I am drugged up and still feel crappy.

I haven’t eaten anything since last night. I really don’t remember eating anything since I got home from work at 10pm.

I’m not even hungry right now. I know that I should eat. I just don’t have any interest in food.

I hate being sick. I feel like hell.

Can I be not sick now? Please??

Normally, when I feel this icky, I call my dad and he brings me Swiss Chalet. But Dad left for Florida yesterday.

He didn’t even know I was sick.

I hope he has a good time.

You know what’s the strangest part?

I have all of my cookie exchange cookies in the living room.

I haven’t had one since I brought them home.

Not one!

That is a new record for me.

I just wish it wasn’t because I’m sick.

Cooking update…

Cranberry sauce and cauliflower cheese puff are done.

Stuffing is done.

Turkey, potatoes and turnip still to go.

Now to pack up everything and drag it over to my dad’s.

*sigh*

I am procrastinating.

So, family Thanksgiving is today.

Dad was away over the actual holiday and this is when we planned it.

I have a lot to do still. I don’t want to get off my ass and do it, though.

Pie and buns are done.

I need to make stuffing stuff, cauliflower, potatoes and turnip. Plus cook the turkey.

Speaking of turkey, I should check whether it’s thawed or not.

brb

Nope. Still frozen solid. Damn.

So, now it’s on the counter. Worst case scenario, I do the running under cold water thing. Been there, done that.

I’m tired. A little grumpy. Mostly okay.

I don’t want to work anymore. But that’s not related to turkey or anything.

I really should get going and get shit done. I have enough to do to keep me busy.

Dinner’s at seven.

Luckily, it’s just a ten pound turkey. There’s only four of us.

I don’t need to impress them, thankfully, so it’s just the status quo, really.

I don’t really know what else to add.

That’s about it.