I’m lonely.

I’m horny.

I feel like men don’t see me, ever.

The new part is that my vibrator broke. lol

So, I’ll have to go out an buy a new one of those. It seems pretty important lately.

It’s weird, I can go for weeks without thinking about sex. And then it’s like nothing else matters anymore!

The last week or so I’ve been choosing things to watch based on how hot (and how naked) the men are in it.

So, I’ve seen: Blade Trinity, Wolverine, and I’m now watching True Blood. (Right now, Eric is naked in Bill’s huge bathtub, it’s quite lovely.)

Seriously, I need to get some. This is ridiculous!

I don’t know how to find a guy. Even if I were to find one, I’m not sure how to get one interested in me.

I was trying to fill out my profile on a dating website and it asked what people first notice about me. My first instinct was to put “how fat I am”. Or “nothing, because people don’t see me”.

What do people see when they look at me?

I don’t know.

Do they even see me?

I don’t know that either.

I’m 35 and alone. I’ve always been alone my whole life. It sucks.

I don’t want to be alone anymore.

And not just because of sex. I’d like companionship, snuggles, someone to talk to. All sorts of stuff like that.

What did I do to deserve being left alone like this? Why don’t I get someone? Why do other people get someone and not me?

There’s a group of girls that post. Sometimes I add posts to the thread.

Every time, I am completely ignored. It’s like my post never occurred.

I give up.

Why bother posting there for absolutely no acknowledgement? It’s frustrating. I don’t know why nobody replies to me, or comments on anything I’ve said, or even acknowledge that I exist at all.

I just don’t understand.

I don’t expect a lot. I don’t expect a reply every time. But some acknowledgement sometime would be nice!

Anyway, that’s my whine about that.

I have others, but I think I’ll start a new post for that whining. It’s similar, but not the same.

About being lonely. Again.

I seem to post about that frequently. And never do anything about it.

I have a goal for this year. I’d like to think it’s doable.

I want to get laid. At least once.

Is that really too much to ask?

The problem is my self-esteem.

It’s in the toilet. It has rarely emerged from there.

I see myself as fat (which I am) and mediocre-looking, at best.

I’m intelligent and can be funny (on occasion); I also have some conversational and culinary skills.

I guess my other issue is that I never seem to meet anyone new.

Blargh.

Not sure I ever had one.

So, I guess I need one.

Where does one find one?

I don’t know. This is the problem.

Sometimes I feel sexy…

And then I look in the mirror.

This is ridiculous.

It’s been years, literally. Sad, but true.

I feel like I will never get any again.

Ever.

This is probably insecurity and low self-esteem talking, but that’s how it really feels right now.

Sometimes I just wonder what is wrong with me.

I feel invisible to most people.

I get told that I’m funny and smart by women that know me. I sometimes even get pretty. Again, by women.

But with men… Nothing.

Great big goose egg.

It’s like I don’t even exist.

I have guy friends. They all became friends through other (female) friends. Or through work (and those I don’t see outside of work).

I know I’m fat. But other larger women have boyfriends, husbands, lovers even!

I was talking to JC and SB yesterday, saying that I feel like I’d jump anyone who offered, these days.

But I get no offers. No contact. No notice at all.

Fat can’t be the only thing you see when you look at me, can it?

There’s got to be something else there!

Doesn’t there?

***

On a completely different note…

It’s my birthday in a week.

I turn 35.

Scary thought. I feel like I’m getting old but not getting anywhere.

Really, I need a new job before I go postal and kill someone.

That means, of course, that I have to actually look and apply.

Problem is that I don’t know what I want to do. I don’t know what I’m good at.

I’m really just lazy. I’m good at that.

Also, I’m good at whining and feeling sorry for myself, it seems.

I’m not sure that this post is good for much.

Other than whining, anyway.

***

Anyway, bedtime for me. Work in the morning.

It kept getting worse over the weekend and got really bad Sunday night and all day yesterday.

I am drugged up and still feel crappy.

I haven’t eaten anything since last night. I really don’t remember eating anything since I got home from work at 10pm.

I’m not even hungry right now. I know that I should eat. I just don’t have any interest in food.

I hate being sick. I feel like hell.

Can I be not sick now? Please??

Normally, when I feel this icky, I call my dad and he brings me Swiss Chalet. But Dad left for Florida yesterday.

He didn’t even know I was sick.

I hope he has a good time.

You know what’s the strangest part?

I have all of my cookie exchange cookies in the living room.

I haven’t had one since I brought them home.

Not one!

That is a new record for me.

I just wish it wasn’t because I’m sick.

Stuffing is done.

Turkey, potatoes and turnip still to go.

Now to pack up everything and drag it over to my dad’s.

*sigh*

Dad was away over the actual holiday and this is when we planned it.

I have a lot to do still. I don’t want to get off my ass and do it, though.

Pie and buns are done.

I need to make stuffing stuff, cauliflower, potatoes and turnip. Plus cook the turkey.

Speaking of turkey, I should check whether it’s thawed or not.

brb

Nope. Still frozen solid. Damn.

So, now it’s on the counter. Worst case scenario, I do the running under cold water thing. Been there, done that.

I’m tired. A little grumpy. Mostly okay.

I don’t want to work anymore. But that’s not related to turkey or anything.

I really should get going and get shit done. I have enough to do to keep me busy.

Dinner’s at seven.

Luckily, it’s just a ten pound turkey. There’s only four of us.

I don’t need to impress them, thankfully, so it’s just the status quo, really.

I don’t really know what else to add.

That’s about it.

Strangely, I started counting calories on my Blackberry yesterday. I guess I just finally got tired of being fat and blobby. Being at this weight makes me feel unlovable.

I know it’s not true, but it’s how I feel.

I know that I’m the same person inside, no matter how much I weigh. It’s hard to look in the mirror and expect someone to love me. Or even to be attracted to me!

Every time I see myself in the mirror I think: ugh, that’s gross.

And that’s while I am dressed! Without clothes it’s MUCH worse.

I really need to keep counting. It’s the only way to lose the extra person I’m carrying around.

Doing the math, I now weigh DOUBLE what I weighed in high school..

DOUBLE!!

How scary is that?

My knees hurt. My feet hurt. I’m still feeling the fall I took last week. The tendon I tore in middle school still gives me trouble (like today, boy did it hurt earlier!).

This isn’t fair.

To my body or to my self-worth.

I know that I should still love myself, no matter what I look like. It just doesn’t feel like I deserve it.

And that doesn’t help the loneliness I’ve been feeling lately.

I spend a lot of time home alone. I don’t want to be alone anymore.

I want someone to spend time with. Someone to talk to. Someone to do things with. Someone to cook for. It’s pretty boring to cook for one.

This sort of feeling is made much worse by the desire for sex.

And BOY am I desiring it!

*sigh*

It’s hard being alone. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I just don’t know where to look for a guy that would like me.

On a different note, I’ve got my appointment with a gynecologist to talk about getting my tubes tied.

YAY!!

How many people are excited to see a gynecologist? lol Just me.

I’ve wanted this done for SO LONG and my doctor says this one won’t give me a hard time because I haven’t had kids.

I don’t want them. Ever. And I don’t want to have to deal with an “oops!”.

You know, that only matters if I ever have sex again. And right now it’s not looking good.

I also need to get a new job. The two I have are driving me crazy.

The primary one is cutting hours to the ridiculous point. This means that everyone has too much work to do.

The secondary one is just irritating in that they don’t seem to want to give me a Saturday off! I have to book off any that I need and it’s hard to know early enough that I need one!

Jumping topics again…

I went to the Everything To Do with Sex Show last weekend.

Good time.

Went to a short seminar on oral sex; giving primarily.

Interesting.

Now I’m going to another one, longer this time, just on giving blowjobs.

I’m one of those people that likes giving them. It’s fun. lol I’m hoping that I learn something interesting.

And that I get to put it to use before I forget everything…

*sigh* again

I think that’s it for now.

It’s been going on for years now.

He’s married. I know he cheats on his wife. I feel bad about that.

He lives in Oregon, so it’s really easy to say no to him inviting me down.

Well, the end of this month he’s going to be in Niagara Falls, NY. That’s only a few hours from here.

I’m tempted to go visit.

He’s only in town for the day, so it would be very brief.

I am really tempted.

I think it makes me a bad person.

I don’t believe in cheating on a significant other. I think it’s wrong. Why am I considering cheating with him? I don’t know.

Part of it is that I’m damned lonely and have been for a long time.

Part of it is that it’s been more than a year (probably more than two years) since I’ve had any sexual contact. And I want some.

I don’t know what to think about myself right now. I’m really conflicted.

I just don’t know.