I am sick.

I’ve been coughing since Thursday night.

It kept getting worse over the weekend and got really bad Sunday night and all day yesterday.

I am drugged up and still feel crappy.

I haven’t eaten anything since last night. I really don’t remember eating anything since I got home from work at 10pm.

I’m not even hungry right now. I know that I should eat. I just don’t have any interest in food.

I hate being sick. I feel like hell.

Can I be not sick now? Please??

Normally, when I feel this icky, I call my dad and he brings me Swiss Chalet. But Dad left for Florida yesterday.

He didn’t even know I was sick.

I hope he has a good time.

You know what’s the strangest part?

I have all of my cookie exchange cookies in the living room.

I haven’t had one since I brought them home.

Not one!

That is a new record for me.

I just wish it wasn’t because I’m sick.

Cooking update…

Cranberry sauce and cauliflower cheese puff are done.

Stuffing is done.

Turkey, potatoes and turnip still to go.

Now to pack up everything and drag it over to my dad’s.

*sigh*

I am procrastinating.

So, family Thanksgiving is today.

Dad was away over the actual holiday and this is when we planned it.

I have a lot to do still. I don’t want to get off my ass and do it, though.

Pie and buns are done.

I need to make stuffing stuff, cauliflower, potatoes and turnip. Plus cook the turkey.

Speaking of turkey, I should check whether it’s thawed or not.

brb

Nope. Still frozen solid. Damn.

So, now it’s on the counter. Worst case scenario, I do the running under cold water thing. Been there, done that.

I’m tired. A little grumpy. Mostly okay.

I don’t want to work anymore. But that’s not related to turkey or anything.

I really should get going and get shit done. I have enough to do to keep me busy.

Dinner’s at seven.

Luckily, it’s just a ten pound turkey. There’s only four of us.

I don’t need to impress them, thankfully, so it’s just the status quo, really.

I don’t really know what else to add.

That’s about it.

It’s been a while…

But here I am again.

Strangely, I started counting calories on my Blackberry yesterday. I guess I just finally got tired of being fat and blobby. Being at this weight makes me feel unlovable.

I know it’s not true, but it’s how I feel.

I know that I’m the same person inside, no matter how much I weigh. It’s hard to look in the mirror and expect someone to love me. Or even to be attracted to me!

Every time I see myself in the mirror I think: ugh, that’s gross.

And that’s while I am dressed! Without clothes it’s MUCH worse.

I really need to keep counting. It’s the only way to lose the extra person I’m carrying around.

Doing the math, I now weigh DOUBLE what I weighed in high school..

DOUBLE!!

How scary is that?

My knees hurt. My feet hurt. I’m still feeling the fall I took last week. The tendon I tore in middle school still gives me trouble (like today, boy did it hurt earlier!).

This isn’t fair.

To my body or to my self-worth.

I know that I should still love myself, no matter what I look like. It just doesn’t feel like I deserve it.

And that doesn’t help the loneliness I’ve been feeling lately.

I spend a lot of time home alone. I don’t want to be alone anymore.

I want someone to spend time with. Someone to talk to. Someone to do things with. Someone to cook for. It’s pretty boring to cook for one.

This sort of feeling is made much worse by the desire for sex.

And BOY am I desiring it!

*sigh*

It’s hard being alone. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I just don’t know where to look for a guy that would like me.

On a different note, I’ve got my appointment with a gynecologist to talk about getting my tubes tied.

YAY!!

How many people are excited to see a gynecologist? lol Just me.

I’ve wanted this done for SO LONG and my doctor says this one won’t give me a hard time because I haven’t had kids.

I don’t want them. Ever. And I don’t want to have to deal with an “oops!”.

You know, that only matters if I ever have sex again. And right now it’s not looking good.

I also need to get a new job. The two I have are driving me crazy.

The primary one is cutting hours to the ridiculous point. This means that everyone has too much work to do.

The secondary one is just irritating in that they don’t seem to want to give me a Saturday off! I have to book off any that I need and it’s hard to know early enough that I need one!

Jumping topics again…

I went to the Everything To Do with Sex Show last weekend.

Good time.

Went to a short seminar on oral sex; giving primarily.

Interesting.

Now I’m going to another one, longer this time, just on giving blowjobs.

I’m one of those people that likes giving them. It’s fun. lol I’m hoping that I learn something interesting.

And that I get to put it to use before I forget everything…

*sigh* again

I think that’s it for now.

An intriguing proposition.

So, there’s this guy I flirt with online.

It’s been going on for years now.

He’s married. I know he cheats on his wife. I feel bad about that.

He lives in Oregon, so it’s really easy to say no to him inviting me down.

Well, the end of this month he’s going to be in Niagara Falls, NY. That’s only a few hours from here.

I’m tempted to go visit.

He’s only in town for the day, so it would be very brief.

I am really tempted.

I think it makes me a bad person.

I don’t believe in cheating on a significant other. I think it’s wrong. Why am I considering cheating with him? I don’t know.

Part of it is that I’m damned lonely and have been for a long time.

Part of it is that it’s been more than a year (probably more than two years) since I’ve had any sexual contact. And I want some.

I don’t know what to think about myself right now. I’m really conflicted.

I just don’t know.

In my daydreams…

I’m desirable.

In my daydreams there’s someone who sees me. And likes what he sees.

Someone sees me as beautiful. And sexy.

And he wants to be with me.

But life isn’t like my daydreams.

There’s isn’t anyone who thinks I’m beautiful and sexy. There’s nobody who wants to snuggle with me.

I’m alone.

Still.

I’m afraid I’ll always be alone.

I don’t wanna!

I really don’t want to go and finish my baking.

I want to sleep.

I’m grumpy and tired.

Tomorrow is the memorial drop-in thing for Mom.

So I, of course, said I would bake stuff for it.

*sigh*

I hate working.

So, I made butterscotch tarts last night. Pumpkin tarts tonight. And I still have ginger cookie dough in the fridge to roll and bake tonight.

Then Dad wanted me there at 9am.

Um, it doesn’t start until 1pm and he’d just finished saying there wasn’t much left to do!

Then he said there was.

Which is it, Dad?? I’d like to get SOME sleep at some point.

I love my mom, but I just want this over with.

I’m exhausted already and tomorrow is going to be a LONG day.

I have Monday off, so that will be my sleeping day. Possibly all day. Until I have to get up to go and have dinner with JC at Lone Star!

Yay Lone Star!

I really should go and bake those damned cookies.

I considered going to bed, then getting up to bake them, but then I realized I was kidding myself.

There’s no way in hell I’d get up early. They just wouldn’t get done.

*sigh*

Off I go to bake cookies.